I should not have gone to the college i did. I chose to go to this college, no one forced me. I was not a “legacy” at the school I attended. Most of the reasons I chose the school I did included knowing it would be a wild place. I had a few reasons for going where I did. I wanted to go to a school that had a great college football game day experience, I wanted to go a school in state that I could use my in state scholarships, and I wanted it to be far away from where I grew up. I had an intense desire to go blaze a trail for myself.
At this point in life, things were not going well at home. My relationship with my parents was not good. They were fighting a lot at home, and I never felt I could live up to my dads expectations. Instead of striving to live up, I withdrew from his criticism to the shadows. I learned to show my best face around my parents while really leading a secret life outside of there vision. I felt the things I enjoyed and was into were nothing like the things I was supposed to enjoy in my parents eyes. To my dad, I was supposed to be an adult at 15. This included getting a job, making good grades, and looking like a professional. This did not include prioritizing friendships, sleeping in on Saturday’s, and any self discovery.
I was really ready to get out from under this shadow. I got accepted into the largest most prestigious school in the state. I did not attend because I thought it may require more studying than I was ready to do, and my sister went there. I was also dying to get out from under her shadow. I was dying to no longer be compared to her academically. In hindsight, staying as close to her coat tails for as long as possible would have been a great thing for me. She is an amazing person who has stayed faithful to God and worked hard in life and is enjoying an abundant life.
So, I wanted to get out from under any shadows that I felt were preventing me from achieving happiness, I didn’t want to go an academically rigorous school, I wanted to be able to cheer on a big time football program, and I wanted to be able to sin freely. For my desires at the time…I chose the perfect place. The truth is at this time I got exactly what I thought I wanted out of my college. I found the people who had the best weed quickly, I was not tested academically, and I had a completely clean slate to reinvent myself. I say this to say, it wasn’t my parents divorce that drove me to sin, it wasn’t the people around me, and it wasn’t something I had to do.
It was me.
It was all me. I drove my self into a hypothetical ditch because I felt like my parents were preventing me from experiencing all the fun that was out there. I wanted to experience this fun because I had lost faith that God was in control of my life. God was distant to me, bc of my sin. I did not blame myself for this. I blamed Him. I really just wanted an excuse to pursue my flesh. That’s exactly what I did.
Hindsight is 20/20, but I needed Christian mentorship during this time in my life. I needed positive influences to keep me between the lines as I dealt with my mom calling me crying weekly. I needed people to point me toward Christ, instead of toward instant gratification and self pleasure. Surrounding myself with people who pursued Christ was the thing I needed most at this time. It should have been my top priority over everything. It was clearly not.
I chose the wrong college.