What now? Yes, I have screwed many things up beyond repair.
What now? Yes, my sin has deprived me of joy.
What now? Yes, I squandered my blessing and gave myself to harlots and feel defiled.
What now? Yes, I have failed most tests that God has given me.
Okay, Jesus knew what I was going to do before I did it. Jesus knew how bad I would screw things up, and He still hung on that cross. He still lived a perfect life, and was punished for nothing that He did. Jesus knew I would squander my birth right. Jesus knew I would sin in unimaginable 21st century ways. Jesus knew I would have more sin than any generation before me.
Yet he still came, lived a perfect life, gave himself as a holy sacrifice, and provided a route for me to be a child of God.
This is hard for me to accept. I believe it conceptually. I could never deny it, it is my only hope. I pray it is true. I also pray when seeds of doubt creep in that I remember the things I have personally seen Him do. I also can think of the faithful Godly men that I know who truly have been transformed. I know many who have stepped from death to life.
Sometimes, I still feel stuck in death.
Partially because there are sins I am still having trouble laying aside. I know this prevents me from walking forward with the Father. How can I grow closer to God when I am entangled in earthly filth? The other main reason I am having trouble stepping into life is that I cannot forgive myself. There are things that were done during my time of sin that I cannot reconcile. I cannot understand how a “Christian” could slide so far as to do some of the things that I did. It makes me think i must not have truly been a Christian at the time. It makes me think my confession that Jesus Christ is my only way to heaven, and his promise that He would send me a helper had not happened.
Furthermore, I believe that I sinned so much during those days that I must have hardened my heart. I must have callused my sense of hearing the spirit. I do remember Him urging me away from things. I think at the time I referred to Him as my “conscience”. I remember suppressing that still small voice so that I could go sin and engage in filth. I remember this feeling until one day I looked back and could not remember the last time I had that feeling. This is when I knew I was in trouble.
It would be easy to wallow in my filth and my mistakes. It is so easy that I actually do it often. I must resist this though. It is true I have mountains of regret. I regret I am where I am today, because I am reaping what I have sown. I regret I did not take the words of scripture seriously. I regret I heard the Good news, and at some point was led astray by the desires of the flesh. I regret these things daily. Must I beat myself up about it daily and let it paralyze my future? Easier said than done, but I pray not.
I pray I can continue to let the past be the past. I pray when the consequences of my past sin cost me things in the future, that I will thank God I am alive. The truth is I do not know if others have suffered for their sins. My reasoning tells me a child of God gets correction, while God understands a lost person is just doing what the natural man does.
I pray these things as I open up the Word daily. I water my soul in hopes that the soil may be softened. I want to know Jesus, I want to be useful to His Kingdom. I do not want to sulk in my shame any longer. Now is the time to get in the game. Pray for me.